My contorted release. A way to exponge myself of my twisted, often wicked thoughts shaped by our unforgiving planet. Mostly just jiberish. Simply put, a taste of what goes on in my brain...
A particular topic keeps finding it's way to my ears these days and the more I hear about it, the more I want to know about it. As women, we've come a long way. We can vote, wear pants, cut our hair short, work full time AND we still get to clean up after everybody. Hallelujah! So in this day and age, I can't help but wonder why we're still bickering amongst ourselves over why, when and how many children to have?
I am a woman who never wanted children, a mother who has children, and I am woman who's life is vastly enhanced by her children's existence. I whole heartedly embrace my role as a mother and I whole heartedly despise being a mother because for as long as I live, I'll never get to stop worrying about my children and sometimes, I worry so much it makes me literally sick! And because of these factors, I feel somewhat qualified to play devil's advocate from almost every angle of this argument.
I have two delightful, well mannered, quirky children. My daughter is 13 and my son is 11. I had them both via cesarian section. I did NOT breast feed because it creeps me out. (I didn't smoke, drink, consume a single soda, go near cats or litter, etc... during either of my pregnancies. And I point this out only because I want to lessen the shock & awe for anyone who might have fallen over while reading that I didn't breast feed.) My children have always been very healthy. They've had the occasional cold and stomach bug, but no recurring problems. No bronchitis, RSV, ear infections, strep throat, and so on. They're just healthy, happy kids. In 2007 when I was 28, I had a partial hysterectomy and of course that officially put an end to any possible baby making. I felt a twinge of sadness for the loss of my reproductive status but quickly moved on and have been happy to be period free ever since. I wanted to briefly touch on my experiences and decisions as a mother to let you know that I have some unconventional feelings and am aware of that fact. They don't make me any more or less a Mom. It's just me. And lack of acceptance for one another is where I believe we all get into trouble.
I know several people with multiple children. When I say multiple, I mean 4 or more. I'm one of few women that I know who has 2 or fewer children. Most of my friends have 4+. But the question of multiplication seems to cause a great stir for a lot of women. If a couple doesn't have any children, you'll often hear someone ask them "when" they plan to have some. If a couple has 3 children, you've probably heard someone ask them if they plan to "stop" having children. There's always a question... If a couple has a lot of children, they usually catch a lot flack for it. People can be pretty unkind and quite judgemental when it comes to the tender topic of baby making. I've been guilty of it myself. I've never intended to insult anyone's personal decisions, but I've let out more than one gasp upon hearing the news that "so and so" was pregnant AGAIN. (But that usually only applies to the welfare mothers who can't support the kids they have and for some reason think it's the tax payers responsibility. But that's another topic...) My sister openly admits that she doesn't want children. She acknowledges that she enjoys her life as it is and can do as she pleases, spend her money on herself and enjoy her nieces and nephews. Personally I think that sounds devine. I wouldn't want to trade places with her, knowing the joys of children the way I do. But I don't begrudge her a life of self fulfillment either. I hear women call one another "selfish" for having too many, or not having any children. It's a silly thing to say really. An argument can be made for both points-of-view. Obviously wanting to spend your life doing what makes you happy, indulging only yourself can sound extremely self absorbed. But then again, I don't find anything selfless in bringing children into the world to brighten your own life, knowing that like all living creatures, they'll pay their way with a death. And we don't even know how or when it will happen to them.
It makes no sense to argue over such matters. As long as I'm not required to pay for or raise anyone else's kids, it's not for me to say how many, when or IF they should even have children. If you feel like you have too many kids, knock it off and don't have any more. If you don't have enough, get busy making or buying some more. If you don't want any, fan-frickin-tastic! Enjoy your life & a world without gut grinding fear and panic. Congratulations to ALL of us with or without children. Thank God the choice is ours. Hallelujah we get to decide these days!! Because in the end, that's what it's all about. Choice. And a little celebration on behalf of that all too elusuvie fact, wouldn't hurt any of us. Go hug a woman who's pulling her beautiful hair out because all of her kids won't give her a moment's peace today. Lend her a hand and celebrate her crazy life. Go hug an awesome, childless aunt (whether it be yours or one you know) and tell her how great it is that she can be there for you and your kids. And just be totally jealous of me. Because I have the two cutest, coolest kids on the planet!! And I'm totally NOT biased either.
I've been working on ideas for new posts and want to work out more mental details before I take on the daunting task of trying to organize my jumbled thoughts via print. So in the interem, I thought I'd share a video that I found on youtube of a choir in Canada singing one of my favorite gospel feel good songs. (just click on the link below the picture) It expresses all of the joy & simplicity that I'm feeling inspired by these days... And sometimes I think it's good to just feel praise and gratitude for our blessings. For friends when we most need them; for our kids when least appreciate them and most importantly, for forgiveness when we least deserve it...
If you're not up for "feel good" stuff and just wanted to read one of my snipey rants, I apologize. But stay tuned, one's a comin'!
I've been waiting on the right time to focus on another character in my life... And tonight seemed about as right as it would get. So I'm gonna tell you a bit about my very best friend, Jenny. Well, Jennifer to anyone unlucky enough not to know her. She's a New York yankee, Catholic and a Democrat. I know, right? It gave me the heeby jeebies just typing it out like that. She opposes the death penalty and is a staunch vegetarian - at heart. What I mean is, she'll cry over the poor sacrificial chicken as she munches on her crispy recipe bucket from KFC. She feels really bad about how much she enjoys eating meat.
Jenny is wicked smart and is an excellent student. She's at the top of her class with a 4.0 and is in her junior year at STC. She's in school to become a Radiologic Technologist. She can tell you anything and everything you never wanted to know about bones and how to preposition them - under, beside, beyond, by, above, below, etc... I don't know what she's talking about half the time these days, but I try to listen as though I can actually follow along.
Being her bffl as well, I'm privy to some little known information about Jennifer Eileen Nelson Conner. Such as: at one time or another it's safe to say that she has lost everything she has ever had in her hands; purse, keys, wallet, license, pen, lighter, paper, earring, frying pan, oven mit, remote, cat, kid... If she's touched it, she's lost it as well. I walked into a gas station one afternoon and the kind clerk remembered seeing Jenny and I in the store together several times and so she asked if I would return her wallet to her. She handed me Jennifer's pink, leather wallet, as she had left it on the counter after paying for her items and leaving the store the day before. Another little tidbit about my dear friend is that she would rather sink into a hole and be eaten by the floor than to suffer the awkwardness & discomfort of attending a class, function, party or gathering where there will be people she doesn't know. She's not socially awkward. She can talk to anyone and find some common interest. Jenny would just rather not... talk to you or find common interests if she doesn't have to. She's easily mortified and it's extremely lucky for her that she has a terrible long term memory, short term as well. I guess it's safe to say that she doesn't remember a whole lot. Which in many cases, has served her well. When Jenny is wounded, offended or upset... She'll forgive you quickly, but she'll forget all about it even sooner. I can't count the times I've managed to get her good and pissed off by reminding her of what someone said or did to her that she'd forgotten all about. And as quickly as she's reminded, she forgets again. In her studies though, she is diligent and commits to memory, all that is required of her. When she makes up her mind to do something, she more than follows through. She smashes through!!
We are sister cynics and enjoy deliberate conversations in which we purge from our souls, all of the things we could never say to anyone else. Like me, she was missing the "mom gene". But oddly enough she has four children and is very nurturing, although she often admits she has no idea what to do with her kids. She spends a lot of time in 'the parenthood' wondering how in the hell she got there. We blab and gab about everything. We are very different people. We have extremely different interests, taste in clothing, books, movies, sometimes music, hobbies, politics, religion... But we always find a way to agree, even when we don't. Jenny and I have a most unique dynamic. We are almost always on the same wave length, and when we're not we know it, and will adjust our radars and lives. We'll wiggle and squirm privately until we are back on track with one another. When one of us has moved into a new phase, or attacked a new interest, or even charted a new path, we pull the other along until they've caught up. We don't have to be doing the same thing, we just have to be moving in the same direction. We never seem to grow apart, if only because we refuse to. It is always unspoken of course... We wouldn't dare demand that sort of ridiculous allegiance to one another out loud.
My Jenny is a complex, beautiful, quirky woman-child who always, always moves forward. I've never known her to be set back, although she's had many setbacks. In all the years I've been lucky enough to call her my friend, she has been the most blazingly honest person, honest to others and always to herself, that I have ever known. She'll tell the truth because she's horrible at lying. And she'll be honest with herself because she's not afraid to grow and be better. Always refreshing, moving, growing, strong and forward. She is her name, Jennifer: A White Wave
This post comes at a great cost to me... I seldom reveal so much of myself in my writing, but I need to say this. I'm a very analytical person - very measured. I measure twice and cut once. I know the consequences long before I perform an action and most of the time go ahead anyway. But it's much more difficult to charge ahead with only faith to guide me. And when I say that this comes at a cost, I only mean that I'll be divulging very private feelings; Which for most of us, is quite taxing. We pay a toll when revealing what's real. I've made it no secret, my struggles with the years of torment dealing with the aftermath of a rape. And in addition to that incident, I've undergone other sexual attacks - none quite so severe, but none-the-less damaging. But I discovered something recently and I feel compelled to share it. Not just for my sake, but for the sake of anyone else struggling to overcome. I believe we all have a sore spot. A subject or topic that makes us cringe, that draws out our defenses and makes our pulses race and nostrils flare. For some it's sexual, for others it's race. For one it might be health, and for another, abandonment or bullying. But for all it is a wound. A hurt that never quite goes away. A pain that keeps us held hostage in a chamber of want. A wanting to let go, but never quite knowing how... A comfortable, torturous hurt that we're afraid of living without. A couple of weeks ago, I was on a long drive home from work. I had 3.5 hours of lonely night drive time and my mind got the better of me. One thought led to another and before I knew it I was engulfed in remembrance of the rape. And worst of all - what came after. The aftermath I believe was worse than the act itself. Knowing that his friends knew. Seeing them in public places, being followed, nearly run over, harassed, tormented. Knowing that I was a point, a notch, a conquest, made it that much more horrifying. And worse, some of the VERY few friends I told didn't believe me. The ultimate betrayal came at the hands of my once "best friend". (Because I've moved on, I won't divulge more of those circumstances.) My mind was snared in a dark circle of pain. I felt a fear like I hadn't known in years! I was terrified and completely alone. I called my best friend. I called my husband. I tried to talk about it but again was awash with shame and fear. After 17 years, can't you just get over it already?!?! (My thoughts, NOT theirs!) I tried to talk about what I was feeling but kept hearing myself smooth it over. I wanted it to go away... It didn't. Eventually I became so frightened that I had no choice but to become angry. There was a power in my anger. It fueled my ability to ask God the un-askable questions. The questions that for years, I logically knew the answer to, but was too chicken-shit to ask. I was afraid that God would tell me something I didn't want to hear. I put off facing a demon for fear that I wouldn't like the answer. But finally the time had come. I was so frightened, so frustrated that I had no choice but to ask... "Why did you make us Lord? Why did you create women? Was it to abuse, to hurt, to rape, to victimize at leisure? Are we here to "serve" and "obey"? Am I here only to live in fear? Am I weaker than men because they should hurt me?" I asked these long-standing questions aloud. I proclaimed them. I waited - baited. And if you've ever received an answer from your creator you will understand me when I say that the answer came with such calm and clarity that I had no choice but to immediately settle down. I was calmed... soothed. I was delivered. He said to me, "Nothing you have suffered is new to me. None of your experiences speaks of you. It speaks of them. It is the sin of the individual, the wickedness that lives in them, not you. It is not your sin to repent. It isn't your shame to bare. You are not weak. You are mine." I can NOT explain the release I felt. I was let go - freed from the prison of despair I'd lived in for nearly two decades. I drove another hour to my home and told no one, not even my husband. Last week I was driving to the home of a client and couldn't find my way. Neither my mobile nor car GPS would lead me there. I gave up and four hours later, after seeing other clients, I found my way. I fumbled through mapquest and county land record directions. I drove dirt road upon dirt road until I arrived at the home of a 78 year old black woman. Earlier that morning, on my long drive to Southwest Georgia, I felt compelled to ask God for something else. I asked for esteem. I wanted to know when I should gain some. After living in the prison for "victims" for so, so long, I had no idea how to not be one - a victim that is. You see, once you've been attacked, you assume the defensive position - the sore spot. You don't mean to, but you retreat and you regret and your shame becomes a home, a haven. You go there in an effort to defend against the enemy, who in your mind can be anyone; Even those you love and claim that you trust. And so with my newly found freedom, I wanted to know when I might expect a healthy dose of self esteem? At the time I thought my question was reasonable. The opposite entirely... You see, I found that esteem is only discovered in gratitude. Despair is a form of narcissism. To despair is to turn your back on God's gifts. To lack in self love is a proclamation that what you have been given is not enough. I will never wear white and not spill on it. I will never read directions once and understand them. I won't buy a plant and not kill it. I won't sing and not have others regret it ;) But I will listen and make a friend. I will talk and be truly heard. I will write and convert. I will love and be loved. I will be grateful and find peace. And after the long, long mis-labeled dirt roads led me to this lady's home, I arrived at an answer, her doorstep. Almost immediately, this soulful and gracious woman said to me that I was in the right place, that I was so good at what I did, I shouldn't doubt where I was placed. She knew I was there for a reason. I've always believed that my simple job was more than a way to earn a living. I believe it's a call to answer prayers - be they mine or a stranger's. I left her home afloat. I had been there four hours late, at just the right time. She knew to confirm my whereabouts, and I knew to accept her wisdom. She told me that I was where God had intended for me to be. And so did I... It was more than chance. It was an aswer to the longest prayer of my life. I had been looking for a way out of the "sore spot". I had wandered around for years, looking for an out. I wanted to be set free. And all this time, the answer was simply waiting on me. The point of my revealing this is not to convert a non believer, or to win you over with promises of release. I'm sharing this story to let you know that whatever your struggle, ask the question! Don't let it go on... Relinquish yourself of blame. Live outside of pain. Receive your answer, because it's waiting. There is nothing you can't ask. Live in gratitude... We can all be free, regardless of our prison.
I've fumbled around with a few ideas for a blog post lately. I decided against them all... And decided to pause instead. I need a pause... I need moments of reflection and peace. Peace from myself, from despair and feelings of inadequacy. I need a break from comparison, expectation and excuse. So while baking red velvet cupcakes this morning, I listened to the immaculate Lauryn Hill sing to me about Selah. As well as the foolish things we tell ourselves to keep from facing the truth - mostly about ourselves. "Nothing can be done against the truth, no matter how we remain in denial. Wasting time replacing time with each empty excuse."
So today on my sweet son's 11th birthday, I'm taking cupcakes to his class. My hair in a ponytail, no makeup, in a red food coloring stained t-shirt and my favorite (elastic waist band) pants and dirty Kego's. And on the pan, along with 22 tiny cakes, I carry my love for my boy - for which there is no comparison... Today I just want to pause. To be myself in my clothes, in my home, with my people. My family. Selah ~
I suppose since this is my blog I can say whatever I want on it. And because of that I'll say that I'm personally quite liberal. I'm pro-choice, pro gay, pro anything that keeps people minding their own damn business and staying the hell out of mine. Politically I'm quite conservative, which is odd since conservatives want smaller government in every area EXCEPT people's personal lives. And liberals don't like executions (which I happen to think are awesome) but are in favor taking out an embryo. Whatever. It's all a load of horse shit distractions used by politicians to keep us busy while they ass root us via education, social security and medicare. They can pick our pockets and keep the free loaders happy by sending them a measly monthly check. Not enough to really live off of, just enough to make them think twice before voting for a conservative for fear the wretched "Right" will take away their hand out.
I babbled for a moment to bring me to my topic of choice tonight: A "Don't Kill the Babies, Sterilize the Parents" proposal that I believe should keep the masses quite content. A masterful plan to appease both sides of the abortion argument and still keep us all from being able to make too many personal decisions for ourselves.
I'm pro-choice for one reason and one reason only. I don't think an 11 year old who's raped by her stepfather, should have to give birth and get stretch marks and play Mommy or have her kid taken away and be destroyed as a human being all because some Mr. Mr. couldn't control himself (and will likely only serve 2 years for his crime - if that, anyway). I agree it's an over used procedure but I'd rather read in the paper that 1,000 women had abortions last Saturday than even ONE child was found like the 4 year old in Texas who was starved, dunked in ice water, beaten beyond recognition and hog tied. Then stuffed in a dresser drawer and was foud dead and stiff and had to be buried in that position because he couldn't be moved without cracking and breaking his body. TRUE STORY So you tell me, which story did you prefer? Hog tied, dead toddler or a bunch of women terminated their pregnancies? If you prefer the dead toddler, you're sick and I don't want to know you. Never come back to this blog or come near me again :)
So! My proposal is this... There is obviously a large portion of the population that thinks they should have a right to tell a woman what she can and can not do with her own body and child. So in an effort to appease them I suggest that we outlaw abortions and opt for mandatory steralizations. If you have one or more children in the custody of the state or even a relative, you no longer get to procreate. If you're a stupid crack head loser who doesn't pay child support for the 8 kids you already have, then we'll de-activate your sperm. If you receive welfare benefits and can't support the children you already have then you should be forced to adopt a birth control method and have your benefits stripped if you get pregnant again. If you're caught exposing yourself to children or found peaking in windows, or convicted of any sexual crime against a woman or child then you should be chemically castrated and made to wear a tracking device.
This proposal keeps polticians and do-gooders in control of what others do and eliminates abortions. The pro-choicers like me have a majority of their issues resolved and it's a win-win. A way to get this idiotic topic off the table so that we can move on to more important things in the upcoming debates. Things like the cost of war, the ginormous deficit, sky rocketing health care costs, the piss-poor economy and junk like that. It will free up space in the minds of people who can't rationalize that pregnancy isn't a damn dream come true for a child who's been molested since she was six.
I hope that even if this post has offended the shit out of you that perhaps you'll take away a bit of a different perspective.
I found this by accident this evening and given the day's events - I have to acknowledge that stumbling upon these words might not have been accidental at all...
I've always tried to be introspective, honest with myself. I'm not always successful of course. I'm a bumbling human and have a great tendency to place blame anywhere other than on myself (especially when that's the likeliest place it belongs). But in all sincerity I try very hard to examine and re-examine my actions and my treatment of others and take corrective steps where there is fault in my behaviors. Again, I don't always succeed, but I make a great effort.
I've never found peace in solitude, never liked being alone for long periods of time either. I've had tremendous difficulty ending relationships that I knew were toxic and bad for me, but in recent years I've learned to break ties, burn bridges and put up walls. I've been a "yes" person, always answering a call or an invitation, even when there was an obvious absence of reciprocity. There are people in my life who still only text or call when they have a favor to ask. I don't hear from these people when my parents are ill or I'm facing difficulty. I hear from them only when they want something from me. It's the course I've laid for myself with them and so I expect it and move on, helping when I can but feeling no great compulsion to fulfill their request at anything other than my leisure. That is the nature of our relationship. I've also cultivated friendships with people who I'd never have thought I'd have found common ground with. People who offer a kind word and encouragement when I can scarcely find the time to offer them the same. Relationships are funny aren't they? They bring us to the most amazing places... Then there are those that we take for granted. The relationships that we rely on and turn to and expect to always be there. A spouse or a best friend, a parent or a sibling... The binding blocks of our mortar that we would surely miss if they were gone. These are the places where we should take the most care and often take the least. I find myself in that same situation, even as I type this. But it was mutual. No one person was entirely at fault. It's where we place the greatest expectations that we find the greatest disappointments I believe. And where we feel a great expectation that we are most likely to disappoint...
I say this all with tremendous purpose. Because at the end of each day we lay down our heads with our whole hearts. All of our insides pour out onto our pillows... And who we are is evident in the chatter of our minds. Each day I hope to "speak and act my feelings within the bounds of dignity". If I am not always successful, it is certainly my desire to be. And the best that I can hope for is that that also is the desire of those who say they love me in return. I am not perfect and can not expect perfection in return. But it is the desire to achieve, to do better, to love greater, to be more in the presence of those we adore that should drive us to find "spirituality in the midst of our frustrations".
In this chapter of my life I aspire to cultivate relationships that bring me to a better place. I want to grow and be more in the presence of the love I'm given. I hope that I inspire those I love to do the same. There's no such thing as a perfect relationship. Only perfect love between imperfect people...
Middle child, wife to Stephen & mother of two; Sister to two crazy women & a friend to beloved believers in me; Procrastinator, cynic, lousy cook, great kisser, sleep coveter, undercover optimist and capable of just about anything...
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