I found this by accident this evening and given the day's events - I have to acknowledge that stumbling upon these words might not have been accidental at all...
I've always tried to be introspective, honest with myself. I'm not always successful of course. I'm a bumbling human and have a great tendency to place blame anywhere other than on myself (especially when that's the likeliest place it belongs). But in all sincerity I try very hard to examine and re-examine my actions and my treatment of others and take corrective steps where there is fault in my behaviors. Again, I don't always succeed, but I make a great effort.
I've never found peace in solitude, never liked being alone for long periods of time either. I've had tremendous difficulty ending relationships that I knew were toxic and bad for me, but in recent years I've learned to break ties, burn bridges and put up walls. I've been a "yes" person, always answering a call or an invitation, even when there was an obvious absence of reciprocity. There are people in my life who still only text or call when they have a favor to ask. I don't hear from these people when my parents are ill or I'm facing difficulty. I hear from them only when they want something from me. It's the course I've laid for myself with them and so I expect it and move on, helping when I can but feeling no great compulsion to fulfill their request at anything other than my leisure. That is the nature of our relationship. I've also cultivated friendships with people who I'd never have thought I'd have found common ground with. People who offer a kind word and encouragement when I can scarcely find the time to offer them the same. Relationships are funny aren't they? They bring us to the most amazing places... Then there are those that we take for granted. The relationships that we rely on and turn to and expect to always be there. A spouse or a best friend, a parent or a sibling... The binding blocks of our mortar that we would surely miss if they were gone. These are the places where we should take the most care and often take the least. I find myself in that same situation, even as I type this. But it was mutual. No one person was entirely at fault. It's where we place the greatest expectations that we find the greatest disappointments I believe. And where we feel a great expectation that we are most likely to disappoint...
I say this all with tremendous purpose. Because at the end of each day we lay down our heads with our whole hearts. All of our insides pour out onto our pillows... And who we are is evident in the chatter of our minds. Each day I hope to "speak and act my feelings within the bounds of dignity". If I am not always successful, it is certainly my desire to be. And the best that I can hope for is that that also is the desire of those who say they love me in return. I am not perfect and can not expect perfection in return. But it is the desire to achieve, to do better, to love greater, to be more in the presence of those we adore that should drive us to find "spirituality in the midst of our frustrations".
In this chapter of my life I aspire to cultivate relationships that bring me to a better place. I want to grow and be more in the presence of the love I'm given. I hope that I inspire those I love to do the same. There's no such thing as a perfect relationship. Only perfect love between imperfect people...
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