Pink and purple abound this month as it's time to shed light on breast cancer (pink) and domestic violence (purple). I've been particularly sensitive to issues regarding domestic violence recently because it's been a more prevalent topic than usual. I watched a documentary the other day about a nationally known advocate who helped bring charges of kidnapping and assault against a man who forcibly took his estranged wife and daughter on a cross-country trip in his eighteen wheeler where he relentlessly beat his wife over a period of four days with his fists and a maglite flashlight. By the time she was rescued she looked like something out of a horror movie. Her husband wasn't immediately arrested and was only eventually prosecuted because of the tireless efforts of her advocate. The man was sentenced to 21 years in prison predominantly for the kidnapping conviction. If the state she resided in had prosecuted for the assault, it would have earned him a maximum of 150 days in jail. I suppose she was lucky he kidnapped her.
I'm very much aware of the prevailing attitudes toward victims of domestic violence and how they should "just leave" their abusers and how that is a great deal easier said than done; although I must admit I was blind to just how difficult our criminal justice system makes it for anyone to escape a violent and predatory partner. While there are laws in place to "protect" individuals from violent assaults, threats, bodily harm and stalking behaviors, there's also a significant burden on the victims to meet the criteria for such protections to be awarded. Our criminal justice system requires that a victim be beaten enough to satisfy the state. The normal burden of proof that must be supplied when employing an argument of self defense does not apply to victims of domestic violence. There is no better evidence to support my statements than the statistical data gathered and compiled by the NCADV (national coalition against domestic violence) for the Bureau of Justice. The state of Georgia ranks 12th among all 50 states in the highest percentage of murders committed by men against women, and 10th in he highest rate of murders committed by domestic partners, 97% of which the victims are women. Nearly half of the women incarcerated in the state of Georgia are serving time for killing their abusers. Ninety five percent of those women had protective orders against their abusers and were enduring violence or the threat of violence from their abuser when they killed him.
There 's a pervasive attitude toward victims in our society that prevails in our criminal justice system that places more expectation and blame on the abused than the abuser. There is more need for refuge than we have resources , and more tolerance for male on female violence than for stealing someone's television set. If you're inclined to distrust my statements, please look into it yourself. Please, also ask yourself what comes to your mind when you hear of a woman who's been abused by her partner. Do you automatically question why she didn't leave? Do you want to know why she didn't seek shelter elsewhere? Have you ever said to yourself, "If that were me I'd have _____"? If you've ever questioned any of those things before first asking why her abuser was allowed by our justice system to continually terrorize, threaten and harm her, then YOU are a part of the reason why he was allowed to. Predators aren't often choosy about who they violate. Most of them have a history of violence and a list of victims who got away before they were able to deliver their fatal blows.
Something needs to change about how we view domestic violence in our country. We need to change how we punish violent offenders and how we assist their victims, but that would require we also change ourselves, and that's too much to ask, isn't it?
Friday, October 24, 2014
Thursday, May 22, 2014
A Letter to My Son - Regarding Entitlement
My Dearest Favorite Boy,
Throughout the years we've had a lot of interesting conversations. When you were a little boy we talked about super heroes, your love of cheese grits & what type of underwear you preferred (you were partial to the plain briefs). Our conversation topics have broadened since you've become a young man. We've discussed everything from football, YouTube sensations & why you thought you shouldn't have to have your hair cut, to what we expect from you as you progress into adulthood, and much more serious topics like how you're expected (by your parents) to treat girls/women, people of other races, cultures & religions, as well as anyone or anything that is the least bit different from yourself. Your father and I have maintained open dialogue with you and your sister for all of your lives. When stories relevant to topics we feel are important circulate in the news we discuss those with you openly, but to the best of my knowledge we've never discussed entitlement. I'd like to cover that now because it's likely the most important thing we have never discussed.
Entitlement is defined: the fact of having a right to something; the amount to which a person has a right, belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges
synonyms: right, prerogative, claim
Now rest assured I've thought and thought and thought about this, and son, this may come as a shock to you, but aside from the divine right to your own life/existence, the only other thing you're entitled to is the right to defend it and the lives of those you feel a need or desire to protect. That's all. After reading about the young lady who was asked recently to leave her home school association's prom because her dress was causing the males attending to have "impure" thoughts, I started thinking about the sorts of distractions you'll face in your life and whether or not you're entitled to not have to face them. That answer is most decidedly, no. You're not entitled to a life free from distractions or thoughts (pure or impure - whatever the HELL that means). You're not entitled to any form of advantage or privilege because of your race, sex, status or religion. I'm afraid that the subtle and even not so-subtle influences of our culture will try to convince you otherwise. While I could expound on all of the different ways & means by which you're not entitled, I'd like to narrow the focus of this letter to women, specifically.
People, a great deal of them both male & female have a tendency to place blame on girls & women in our society as well as hundreds of others around the world, for causing men & boys to sin and become engrossed in sexual fantasy (otherwise known as thought impurity). We're also blamed for things like the destruction of the traditional family structure, declining morality & some of our nation's fiscal ailments. We're often blamed when sexually violent crimes & crimes of domestic violence are committed against us. We live in a society that heavily influences females to stay alert to their surroundings, not drink alcohol or attend parties, to carry a weapon, attend self defense classes & to dress modestly at all times lest there be a *bad man* in close proximity to us who might be unable to control his impulses to rape when faced with a smidge too much bare skin. There are seldom initiatives taken to educate our children on the importance of consent, autonomy & personal responsibility. No one asks what a rapist was wearing or why they were drinking at a party or among a group of friends. Young boys and men aren't encouraged to dress modestly or maintain constant vigilance over their surroundings. Last but not least, boys & men are almost never, if not never asked to control their own thoughts & refrain from objectifying females as sexual conquests vs. human beings worthy of respect - regardless of her age, dress or sex appeal.
This may seem like an awful lot of 'not(s)' but they're necessary to illustrate my point...
Dearest Son, you are not entitled to environments (whether they be schools, stores, work or otherwise) free from scantily dressed females. You are not entitled to attend a prom & not be distracted by a pretty girl with long legs; you're not entitled to make sexist or demeaning remarks to or about any female, ever. You're not entitled to intimate contact with a female under any circumstances, especially if/when you've paid for her dinner or treated her to an outing or gift. You're not entitled to blame anyone for the thoughts that float around in your own head. You are however responsible for controlling them. You're not entitled to freedom from competition with girls & women for highest GPA, scholarships, awards, recognition, jobs/position, pay, sport, games, or anything else you might find yourself competing for in the future. You're not entitled to a virgin wife, or any wife at all. You're not entitled to make decisions for your future girlfriends or spouse. You're not entitled to make all of the money or most of it. You're not entitled to make every decision about how to spend or invest money when you have a wife. You're not entitled to dictate how, when, why or if any female should become a mother. And finally, you're not entitled to sex, even when you're married.
Many Mothers might wish a modest, religious, servile, virgin woman for their son(s) to marry. But I'm not most Mothers... My wish is for you to find a woman who challenges you on every possible level. A woman who has experienced life on her own terms, in accordance with who she was created to be. I wish you a woman who thinks, and thinks often; a woman who knows what she wants & isn't persuaded by her fears when going after it. I wish a woman for you that loves herself so that she can love you; a woman who is confident in her own dreams so that she can support yours; a woman who inspires you to be the best possible version of yourself. I wish you a woman who is passionate, passionate for you & who will embrace your passion for her. Because son, you are not entitled to a woman like this, but you are absolutely deserving of her.
You deserve to experience the peaks of your potential & the spoils of your hard work. You deserve a life that will yield results equal to effort. You deserve a life of endless opportunities to fail & to succeed because you refused to quit even after you failed. You are entitled to your life, it's defense & the pursuits of your purpose. And no matter your travels, trials, successes or failures, you are loved. There's no end to what I'll do to support & defend your entitlement; and there is no limit to the miles I'll run (and you know I can run) to hold you accountable for your every action. As people, we enter the world owing a debt, to leave it better than when we arrived. The world around you & the people in it owe you nothing. Never forget that, or that I love you.
Love,
Your hell bent & bound to raise a good man - aka, Mom
Throughout the years we've had a lot of interesting conversations. When you were a little boy we talked about super heroes, your love of cheese grits & what type of underwear you preferred (you were partial to the plain briefs). Our conversation topics have broadened since you've become a young man. We've discussed everything from football, YouTube sensations & why you thought you shouldn't have to have your hair cut, to what we expect from you as you progress into adulthood, and much more serious topics like how you're expected (by your parents) to treat girls/women, people of other races, cultures & religions, as well as anyone or anything that is the least bit different from yourself. Your father and I have maintained open dialogue with you and your sister for all of your lives. When stories relevant to topics we feel are important circulate in the news we discuss those with you openly, but to the best of my knowledge we've never discussed entitlement. I'd like to cover that now because it's likely the most important thing we have never discussed.
Entitlement is defined: the fact of having a right to something; the amount to which a person has a right, belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges
synonyms: right, prerogative, claim
Now rest assured I've thought and thought and thought about this, and son, this may come as a shock to you, but aside from the divine right to your own life/existence, the only other thing you're entitled to is the right to defend it and the lives of those you feel a need or desire to protect. That's all. After reading about the young lady who was asked recently to leave her home school association's prom because her dress was causing the males attending to have "impure" thoughts, I started thinking about the sorts of distractions you'll face in your life and whether or not you're entitled to not have to face them. That answer is most decidedly, no. You're not entitled to a life free from distractions or thoughts (pure or impure - whatever the HELL that means). You're not entitled to any form of advantage or privilege because of your race, sex, status or religion. I'm afraid that the subtle and even not so-subtle influences of our culture will try to convince you otherwise. While I could expound on all of the different ways & means by which you're not entitled, I'd like to narrow the focus of this letter to women, specifically.
People, a great deal of them both male & female have a tendency to place blame on girls & women in our society as well as hundreds of others around the world, for causing men & boys to sin and become engrossed in sexual fantasy (otherwise known as thought impurity). We're also blamed for things like the destruction of the traditional family structure, declining morality & some of our nation's fiscal ailments. We're often blamed when sexually violent crimes & crimes of domestic violence are committed against us. We live in a society that heavily influences females to stay alert to their surroundings, not drink alcohol or attend parties, to carry a weapon, attend self defense classes & to dress modestly at all times lest there be a *bad man* in close proximity to us who might be unable to control his impulses to rape when faced with a smidge too much bare skin. There are seldom initiatives taken to educate our children on the importance of consent, autonomy & personal responsibility. No one asks what a rapist was wearing or why they were drinking at a party or among a group of friends. Young boys and men aren't encouraged to dress modestly or maintain constant vigilance over their surroundings. Last but not least, boys & men are almost never, if not never asked to control their own thoughts & refrain from objectifying females as sexual conquests vs. human beings worthy of respect - regardless of her age, dress or sex appeal.
This may seem like an awful lot of 'not(s)' but they're necessary to illustrate my point...
Dearest Son, you are not entitled to environments (whether they be schools, stores, work or otherwise) free from scantily dressed females. You are not entitled to attend a prom & not be distracted by a pretty girl with long legs; you're not entitled to make sexist or demeaning remarks to or about any female, ever. You're not entitled to intimate contact with a female under any circumstances, especially if/when you've paid for her dinner or treated her to an outing or gift. You're not entitled to blame anyone for the thoughts that float around in your own head. You are however responsible for controlling them. You're not entitled to freedom from competition with girls & women for highest GPA, scholarships, awards, recognition, jobs/position, pay, sport, games, or anything else you might find yourself competing for in the future. You're not entitled to a virgin wife, or any wife at all. You're not entitled to make decisions for your future girlfriends or spouse. You're not entitled to make all of the money or most of it. You're not entitled to make every decision about how to spend or invest money when you have a wife. You're not entitled to dictate how, when, why or if any female should become a mother. And finally, you're not entitled to sex, even when you're married.
Many Mothers might wish a modest, religious, servile, virgin woman for their son(s) to marry. But I'm not most Mothers... My wish is for you to find a woman who challenges you on every possible level. A woman who has experienced life on her own terms, in accordance with who she was created to be. I wish you a woman who thinks, and thinks often; a woman who knows what she wants & isn't persuaded by her fears when going after it. I wish a woman for you that loves herself so that she can love you; a woman who is confident in her own dreams so that she can support yours; a woman who inspires you to be the best possible version of yourself. I wish you a woman who is passionate, passionate for you & who will embrace your passion for her. Because son, you are not entitled to a woman like this, but you are absolutely deserving of her.
You deserve to experience the peaks of your potential & the spoils of your hard work. You deserve a life that will yield results equal to effort. You deserve a life of endless opportunities to fail & to succeed because you refused to quit even after you failed. You are entitled to your life, it's defense & the pursuits of your purpose. And no matter your travels, trials, successes or failures, you are loved. There's no end to what I'll do to support & defend your entitlement; and there is no limit to the miles I'll run (and you know I can run) to hold you accountable for your every action. As people, we enter the world owing a debt, to leave it better than when we arrived. The world around you & the people in it owe you nothing. Never forget that, or that I love you.
Love,
Your hell bent & bound to raise a good man - aka, Mom
Friday, May 9, 2014
The Mother in Me
The approaching of Mother's Day always has the same affect on me. The entire week before, I begin to take stock of myself, I internalize every parenting decision I can remember making. I begin my annual study of other mothers, my own mother, mothers of many, mothers of few, step mothers, foster mothers, new mothers, old mothers, grandmothers, mothers of fur children; you name it, I start watching them intently, or studying my memory for examples of them. I pay close attention to the value placed on mothers in our society & how it's represented in advertisements & media. From social media, I glean wisdom from other people's perceptions of their own mothers. By the time the week is over, I'm mentally exhausted & feeling inadequate. It happens every year... Every year I tell myself to "stay calm, take it easy, don't over think motherhood this year", but I do it nonetheless.
Everyone searches for definition, a way to define who they are. Many women identify as wives, mothers, homemakers, by their professions or what they like to do. I've never known quite how to define myself. I'm guilty of drawing comparisons and wanting to be what I see in other women, other mothers. I want to be crafty, creative, artistic, a hostess, an intellect, career woman, gardener, athlete, writer, etc... If someone has been it, I've wanted to also. Even if I haven't wanted it for myself, I've wanted to want it. It seems so silly when I type it out like that but it's true. I've always wanted a path or something to Be. But I feel like teflon tape, nothing sticks. I'd be a tumbleweed if it weren't for my children; and while motherhood doesn't define me, my children are the means by which I define my world.
For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to matter. Not to be important or revered... but to matter, be of use. The life I lead is a small one. My home is a tiny dot on the face of the planet, a time capsule filled with relics of my existence. Before long it'll be gone and so will I, but if I live a life that matters, what I leave behind will stay. And if nothing sticks to me, maybe something of me will stick...
Everyone searches for definition, a way to define who they are. Many women identify as wives, mothers, homemakers, by their professions or what they like to do. I've never known quite how to define myself. I'm guilty of drawing comparisons and wanting to be what I see in other women, other mothers. I want to be crafty, creative, artistic, a hostess, an intellect, career woman, gardener, athlete, writer, etc... If someone has been it, I've wanted to also. Even if I haven't wanted it for myself, I've wanted to want it. It seems so silly when I type it out like that but it's true. I've always wanted a path or something to Be. But I feel like teflon tape, nothing sticks. I'd be a tumbleweed if it weren't for my children; and while motherhood doesn't define me, my children are the means by which I define my world.
For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to matter. Not to be important or revered... but to matter, be of use. The life I lead is a small one. My home is a tiny dot on the face of the planet, a time capsule filled with relics of my existence. Before long it'll be gone and so will I, but if I live a life that matters, what I leave behind will stay. And if nothing sticks to me, maybe something of me will stick...
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