Talking to Women: Not Difficult

     Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past year I’m sure you have heard or read something about street harassment, the term being used to describe the multitude of ways men communicate with women they don’t know on the street. The definition is expansive of course and covers a variety of public locations; although the street (or sidewalk) is where a majority of women experience most of the unwanted and/or unsolicited attention they receive from men. I’m not going to debate what constitutes harassment of this nature or whether the behavior is polite or impolite, complimentary or demeaning because that’s not what you need to know.

     
     What you need to understand about calling out to or leering at strange women who are happening by you, if indeed you’re guilty of it, is that your intent is irrelevant. Whether you mean to compliment her, demean her, harass her or just meet a secret daily-word quota, what you’re actually doing is frightening most of the women on the receiving end of it. If they’re not afraid then at the very least they’re incredibly uncomfortable. Before I delve into communication-with- women DO’s, I want to tell you about why street harassment is a DON’T, from a woman’s perspective.

     
     I won’t get into all of the mediums society uses to send messages to women. It sends them to men too and we all have to decide how, when or even if we’ll listen to or implement them. You don’t have to read the comments following very many online reports about a woman being sexually assaulted before it becomes abundantly clear that one of the strongest messages we ladies get is that if we want to avoid being kidnapped, raped, assaulted, harassed, stalked, illicitly propositioned, or even felt up it’s our responsibility not only to be armed and trained in the martial arts, but to make sure we don’t send the wrong messages to you guys with what we’re wearing, how much we’re drinking, how friendly we get, and which establishments we patronize. We of course know not all men or even most men pose a threat to us, but here’s the deal ** we have NO IDEA which ones do** so it’s only reasonable that most of us dislike being addressed by strangers on the street because we have no way of knowing who might be a danger to us and we’d just like to get where we’re going without feeling threatened, endangered or at the very least, disrespected.

     
     I feel I’d be doing a disservice to this topic if I did not address one more thing: Calling out to strangers as they pass by regardless of your intent, is weird. Telling a strange woman you like her butt in the jeans she’s wearing or that she has a nice rack is just as bizarre as it would be for a stranger to call out to you that you’re in need of a haircut or you should wear a different shirt with the pants you have on. Your opinion about strangers is unimportant and sharing it is creepy. Opinions are like parties: if yours isn’t invited, it’s not welcome.

     
     Now having this information will prove one of two things about you if you’re a man who engages in this sort of behavior. It will either a) help you recognize what you’re doing makes women uncomfortable and you’ll stop because you’re not a threat to their safety, or b) you won’t care how it affects the people you’re doing it to and will continue on because you are a threat. This is one of the few areas in life that has no gray. It’s black and white. You are or you are not a threat to the safety and well being of women everywhere. If you expect women to play a dominant role in managing their personal safety, it stands to reason they would be suspicious of and want to avoid strangers who harass them. It's hypocritical to blame a victim for their own assault and in the same breath tell other women they're too sensitive when strangers approach, call out to or leer at them. In other words, don't tell women to protect themselves and then get pissed off when they do.

     If you want to talk to a woman because you think she’s attractive, you’re interested in a possible date or hell, even if all you’re looking for is a hook-up, there’s a way to do it without coming off as a creeper. You don’t even have to wait for an opportune social engagement to do it. All you have to do is introduce yourself to a woman who is standing still. That’s all. I’m imparting this wisdom to you based on my own personal experiences with men. This is precisely what men who successfully got me to go out with them did. They walked up to me at a book store, in a restaurant, at a bar, in the grocery store, told me who they were, engaged me in light conversation and then either asked for a date on the spot or gave me their phone number and asked me to call. Did every introduction spark a romance or even a date? Of course not but every man I have dated, including the one I’m married to, first introduced himself to me and made an attempt to get to know me better. As a general rule most women are approachable and receptive to polite men. If all you want to do is compliment a woman this method is good for that too and it won’t leave her feeling embarrassed, uncomfortable or running for her life. In fact, it will most likely brighten her day.

     It's typical for a majority of men to be what we call, "visual creatures", and that's okay. There is nothing wrong with the way you're made. If we're being completely honest, most women enjoy being looked at by men. We like to feel attractive and admired because dammit, we have to work hard at it! But at the forefront of all our communications should be respect for one another. Our appearance is only one expression of who we are and while we appreciate it being noticed, it should never supersede the fact that we're much, much more than that. Harassing a person, a stranger on the street, reduces them to an inanimate, a junk yard ripe for picking over. If you respect and care for us, if you care about our safety and our right to protect it then talk to us. Let us know who you are because who you are matters. Give us an opportunity to appreciate and value you for it, not fear you and run...