This year has been an interesting one at best. Like most people my family has felt the crunch of the economic times we live in and are sputtering through it as well as can be expected. Aside from the external factors that have shaped this year 2009, I've undergone some very personal hurts and inner growths. Both parents have been ill as of late and I've struggled with some health issues of my own. But in the midst of that I found myself at the center of some of my most challenging emotional upheavals as well. Because my birthday is in December I had almost 12 full months last year to think about turning 30 and what that meant for me. I was having a conversation with my daughter, Valerie one morning in mid 2008 while we were in my bathroom playing with her hair before school. She mentioned that she was surprised noone laughed at her or made fun of her for coming to school with her hair wet & in a ponytail the day before. I asked her why she thought people would make fun over something so silly? She said she didn't know but was glad they didn't. I gave my usual nod of understanding then asked why she cared what other people thought anyway? And her response caught me so off guard that I didn't quite know how to retort. She said "...well, I guess I care what people think because I don't know what I think." That sent my brain into a tailspin. So I made it my mission last year to learn from and with Valerie. I decided to spend more time helping my children figure out their own thoughts and I did some digging of my own. I realized that I was almost 30 years old and still struggling with confidence in my ownership of MY own thoughts and feelings. People do have a tendency to worry more about what their peers think and say when they don't take the time to understand their own convictions and feelings. I am no different...
I believe those months spent with that underlying mindset helped  me prepare for the difficult times that lay ahead for me. It was the sort of "building block" I needed to face this year.

I remember my shyness and lack of confidence as far back as pre-school. Though I had no short supply of friends growing up, I was very short stacked in other areas. I never felt adequate enough, or deserving enough of my friendships. I was easy to pick on and suffered mild torments at the hands of my gleeful friends who were all too happy to test my thin skin. I was dubbed with many nicknames: "Bones", "Giraffe Neck" & "Gibler" were the most common. "Gibler" is the one I've come to loathe as it was given to me the summer before 5th grade when I apparantly bore an uncanny resemblance to Kimmy Gibler, DJ's best friend on the t.v. show Full House. My mother once noted that with friends like mine, who needed enemies? And that was the God's-honest-truth of the matter.

I brought those same feelings of inadequacy with me into my adulthood. For many years I've kept friends and company with people who did a great deal more taking than giving in our relationships. I would leap at what I saw was an opportunity to help a friend, no matter how outragous the request. I would literally give until it hurt. I would shoulder their burdens along with my own and have spent a great many hours, I would venture to guess days and weeks of my life giving, consoling and belaboring pseudo-friend's needs; All the while neglecting the reality of what it was doing to me because I so seldom got anything in return. I tried so hard to never ask anything of these people so as not to appear needy, for fear of exposing weakness. And I can attest that if you give until it hurts, well... it hurts.

In April of this year I was confronted with the most heartwrenching betrayal of my life. I discovered that my best friend of 18+ years had jeopardized my family and everything I had worked the last decade of my life for. Over the course of several years she made "passes" at my husband, very leading inuendos that had he responded to, would have torn my family apart. My husband, in an effort to show me her true colors finally divulged this information to me. He kept it secret for so long that when it finally came out I had no idea what to do with the information. I was confused and deeply hurt and so blindly angry I didn't even know WHO to be angry with. I coveted my friendship with this woman. I stood by her side and lended support when there was hardly anything left for me to give. I was so protective of our friendship that I had managed to forge a state of denial that only this news could snap me out of! Once I was able to break it all down and digest the information from my husband I confronted her. We still speak though our friendship is irrevocably changed. I struggle quite often with the "how to's" and "if I should's" when it comes to my communication with her. This incident represents the majority of the war but there have been other battles with former friends as well. But none as important as this one.

So this year has brought me a deep digestion of where I stand with those I love. I've learned that it's okay to draw your lines in the sand and set boundaries and make your needs very clear. I've learned that it's more important to invest your time in those who invest in you. Most importantly though, I've learned that my self worth is not something I can measure in how much I give to others. It is measured in what I get in return.