My Answer...

                                         
                                  (Valerie, my Dad & Me in 1998)


In the last few days I've tumbled over and over in my mind, a question I was asked by a woman I didn't know very well. I was having dinner with friends and their friends at a restaurant (where margaritas were present, hooray!) and somehow at the tail end of dinner I managed to blurt out that I'd never managed to complete my education or travel like I had wanted to because "I got knocked up right out of high school." You see, before I ever had any idea what I wanted to be or do, I knew that whatever it was, involved a lot of travel and adventure. I thought I would enjoy being a photographer for National Geographic or maybe even a fighter pilot.  I didn't have any particular knack for photography or knowledge of aviation, but a girl can dream. During the course of this conversation I decided to explain, like I always do, that I was married now and that my husband and I have been together since our daughter was three months old. I suppose after all the years I've spent explaining myself to people, in doing so it somehow makes me feel like less of a statistic and more like a "normal" person if I can help people to understand that I'm not a welfare dependent, single parent with multiple baby-daddies. I feel more comfortable if they know I've always tried not to be "that person". Although, not blurting out that I got knocked up when I was young, might be helpful in keeping my humble beginnings unknown, huh? So anyway, after hearing this, one of the ladies seated across from me asked how I raised my children or better yet, how I helped/guided them not to make the same mistakes that I did, or to follow in my footsteps?  It took me by surprise because up to that point I had NEVER been asked that question or one similar. It definitely gave me pause for thought and I wasn't at all offended. I felt as though she had a genuine interest in my answer and I didn't feel judged. But I was definitely surprised.


I was raised in a conservative household by educated parents who instilled in all their children, an understanding that we should have great aspirations and follow them through with higher education. It was not a typical road map for disaster that led me to have a child out of wedlock at the age of 19 without the biological father present in mine or the child's life. It was my stubborn will and the forces of nature, combined with the guiding hand of my benevolent God who knew what was best for me, that led me to have my daughter, Valerie. I have never considered raising either of my children differently from anyone else in an effort to keep them from duplicating my journey. And I guess that's mainly because I've never considered it a mistake or a black mark against my morality. I do have a desire for people to see me as their equal and so I feel compelled to "explain" myself and my current circumstances as a way of lessening any judgement people may first pass on me at their discovery of my family dynamic. That's my issue, not theirs. But in general, I feel I raise my children the same as everyone else. I try to be very very honest with them. If they ask a question, they get a truthful (albeit age appropriate) answer. I know that a vast majority of people consider sex before marriage, and certainly children before marriage, to be morally objectionable. Our society, and most others for that matter, has historically benefited from the family unit and it's ability to provide a majority of the social and economic substance necessary to stabilize their nation. Personally, I just happen to believe that how a family comes to be and who the family is made up of,  is not nearly as important as how much love there is between the family members.


And so my official answer is this: I raise my children to be good people. I raise them to love as much as possible, to forgive without question, to hope for great things, to love God, their country, their family and friends. And most of all, I raise my children to face the consequences of their actions head on. To never be ashamed of who they are and to know that they are loved without end, beyond measure and that they can and will survive whatever this life throws at them. Others may see my life with my daughter as a moral question to be answered... I see my life with my family as the only possible way for me to have ever achieved true happiness and satisfaction. If I am nothing else to my children, I hope that I am an example to them that no life and no person is perfect. They will make mistakes, they will have great successes. But come what may, I hope that they see in me, what happens when you take responsibility for your life choices, learn from them and get on with being who you're meant to be.