Last night I found myself answering a question that I never thought I'd have an answer for. "Could I, or would I be willing to run a marathon?" A friend on Facebook is a runner and proposed that she & some others take a marathon challenge in Charleston, SC in January 2011. Before I knew what I had said I proclaimed my desire to do it with her. I had a helluva time getting to sleep last night because I couldn't figure out what I was so afraid of... and then the answer finally came to me. I'm afraid of being with myself for long periods of time. I can most often occupy myself with house labors, a nap, shopping trips, time with friends, etc... But this would mean having to be with me, just me. And then after figuring that out I had to answer this question: "Why do I want to run a marathon?" Obviosly the fitness & strength is the first thing that comes to my mind, then my children and my desire to set a good example for them. But what about ME? Where does Heather fit in??? In the end, the results I feel in my body and the example I set for my children are meek and mild in comparison to what I hope to feel about Heather. She is my motivation... I want her to work hard, to do something she never thought she could do, to feel things she never thought possible. I want her to be proud of herself... just her.
Most of my pride and accomplishment comes from my daily life. I live a very content and accomplished life with my husband and children by my side. I know joy and peace because of them. I know love and friendship, happiness and meaning because of the people in my life today. But the one thing, the person I know the least about is me. I've known only what nature and necessity have asked of me and I think it's time I start asking more of myself. Thus, I begin my journey today.
Monday, April 26, 2010
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I know exactly what you mean. My running time is the only time I have to really "get inside my head". I don't mean that in a narcissistic kind of way, but it truly is my only chance during the week to have uninterrupted thoughts. And honestly, when I do have them, they kind of freak me out!! I often find myself wondering "who am I? What will I be like when the kids and possibly Matt are gone?" At the same time, I feel so LIBERATED when I am out there, doing something that is only mine. There are many, many other areas of my life that I am willing to put away while I am in these small-children years but I am clinging pretty tightly to running (and most of the time, I run early in the morning while everyone else is still asleep) b/c it means so much to have something that really pushes me, mentally and physically. I am really excited for us to do the marathon together!!
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