Big Sighs and Chunky Thighs

I am a chicken! I just wanted to go ahead and put that out there. I have a pretty adventurous spirit by nature I think but that doesn't mean that I'm not generally scared sh*tless in everything that I do. I'm afraid of social situations with people I don't know. I'm afraid of roller coasters, airplanes, water, rats... You get my drift. But more than anything I'm afraid of failure. I'm desperately afraid of never being good at anything. I'm pretty average at just about everything. I was never an exceptional student. I danced for many years and was always okay at that too. I like to write, decorate, play games. But I wasn't born with nor have I ever developed any particular talent. I'm good at some things but have never been great at anything. I think I'm a good wife and a good mother but in all honesty I could stand to be better at both of those things as well. I'm even an average height of 5 feet 4 1/2 inches and my appearance is pretty average as well. It's an odd place to be, in the middle. And coincidentally I'm a middle child too. This path through the center, walking safely along, never trying too hard but trying just enough to keep from being noticed, it's quite a comfortable spot. Right down the aisle, never leaning one way or the other - makes me wonder what I could have done had I ever really, really tried. And that brings me to tonight! Tonight, I looked down at my naked thighs and once again, took a deep breath and let out a big sigh, grabbed a hunk of my chunky outer thigh, examined it and steadfastly declared to myself that it was never going to change. I'm at a healthy weight and my bmi is average, of course and by most people's standards I have no right to complain. But like a lot of people I'm sorely dissatisfied with my body (especially my cellulite ridden thighs) and all I want is to "fix" it! And I feel like I've been trying to fix it. I've been running my butt off for the last couple of months and have seen NO change in my body what-so-ever. And then this evening as I let go of the hunk of leg I held in my hand I realized that perhaps I haven't been trying hard enough. Perhaps the real problem is that I don't know how to really give it my all. Maybe I'm the reason that I'm not seeing results. I dearly love to blame my problems on things other than myself. I like the point of reconciling that something is "just fine" the way it is, or that things "won't ever change". It's the middle of the road approach that's kept me at status quo all of my life. But if I'm ever going to see a difference in myself I have to stop being afraid of the posibility of failure. I can't say that I've ever really failed at anything because I've never really tried all that hard to begin with... And that is SO much worse. I'm so scared of never amounting to anything that I don't even bother to entertain possibilities anymore. I'd like to say that I'll do something about this right away and that from now on things will be different but the truth is, I just don't know. I might never see a change in my thighs. I might never amount to anything. I could very well be average for the rest of my life. And that would be "just fine", right?