The past several years have been ones of tremendous personal and spiritual growth for me. I am of course, still a work in progress... But with that being said, I've noticed that each year has had a sort of theme. A long and winding lesson has spun from each of the days that has, in some cases nearly driven me insane. Some lessons I simply would rather not have learned. Some hurts, I would rather not have had - although now I'm as contented as I've ever been - reconciling finally that I will forever dwell within my own head. (Insert modest chuckle here.)
I had falsely begun to believe that after the tumultuous year 2009, I was sort of... home free? So many stresses and challenges, both physically and personally had dominated those 365 days! I could have sworn I'd made it through the worst of it, but it's funny how God reveals himself. So many times I lost sight of him that year. So often I cursed and questioned that I wondered if I was growing or shrinking. But standing here now I'm beginning to see just what was in store for me. Winston Churchill once said "If you're going through hell, keep going." Only a man who had reached the other side could ever have spoken with such simple wisdom... Sometimes if we leave ourselves with no choice but to carry on, we do just that. And later on we find that perhaps we were a bit stronger, a tad tougher and a hair less fragile than at first we believed.
I knew before the dawning of this new year what my lesson was going to be, I simply did not and still do not know all the ways in which I'll be forced to learn it. Toward the end of last year after a lot of preparation and hard work I was forced out of two very important races because of injuries (three stress fractures and an achilles tendon strain). Disappointment is the least of the words I could use to describe my suffering. My pride suffered more than my body and my mind nearly got the better of me as well. Once I managed to heal from the fractures I began training again and a week before another race I strained the tendon in my left leg. That was the preverbial straw that split the camel in half and ground it's bones to dust! But in a truly bizarre sense I was almost prepared for it. My running nearly came to a screetching halt because of the injury but my mind broke down, bent itself over and succumbed to the lesson I knew right then I would be forced to learn... PERSEVERANCE. It's quite a lovely word and quite unpleasant to perform. It's the word I've strayed from my entire life. It's the one thing I've avoided more than blue eye shadow. It's the bone of contempt I cut my teeth on. It's the only thing I've never wanted to correct in myself. My ADHD and my vanity have kept perseverance and me apart for 32 years. I've quit everything I wasn't immediately good at. I've quit drawing, I've quit cross stritching, I've quit camping, I've quit math... the list goes on and on. And my new career requires an awful lot of "try try again" which isn't all that appealing to a gal like myself. I'm quite use to having my own way. In almost every job I've had, I've done very well and almost immediately met with success. This one however, is quite different. Success in this field is based on the number of times you meet rejection - as each "no" will bring you that much closer to the "yes" you're searching for. I've witnessed this first hand or else I'd have no faith in the process. And today I found myself on the verge of mentally "checking out". After a long talk with my manager (and with myself) I knew that this was all part of the plan, the lesson I was doomed to learn. Just like running, I have to keep putting one foot down in front of the other. Each step I take is one less I have to make. One more rejection is one less ahead of me. The injuries whether they be physical or mental are a distraction, something to keep us all from seeing the truth. They're designed to shift our focus and make us believe that we can't, that we're not good enough, not strong enough! I succumb easily to injury. I've been spoiled... and very very lucky. I've been given so much, received so many blessings that I simply do not know how to fail - and so I quit...
And so the lessons of this year have begun. So far I have one professional and one physical challenge to overcome... And I'm afraid that if I do not meet them head on, that I just might miss out on an opportunity later, to be the woman God has in store for me to be. Each new day brings me one step closer, one rejection further, one injury beyond the quitter I use to be.
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