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A particular topic keeps finding it's way to my ears these days and the more I hear about it, the more I want to know about it. As women, we've come a long way. We can vote, wear pants, cut our hair short, work full time AND we still get to clean up after everybody. Hallelujah! So in this day and age, I can't help but wonder why we're still bickering amongst ourselves over why, when and how many children to have?
I am a woman who never wanted children, a mother who has children, and I am woman who's life is vastly enhanced by her children's existence. I whole heartedly embrace my role as a mother and I whole heartedly despise being a mother because for as long as I live, I'll never get to stop worrying about my children and sometimes, I worry so much it makes me literally sick! And because of these factors, I feel somewhat qualified to play devil's advocate from almost every angle of this argument.
I have two delightful, well mannered, quirky children. My daughter is 13 and my son is 11. I had them both via cesarian section. I did NOT breast feed because it creeps me out. (I didn't smoke, drink, consume a single soda, go near cats or litter, etc... during either of my pregnancies. And I point this out only because I want to lessen the shock & awe for anyone who might have fallen over while reading that I didn't breast feed.) My children have always been very healthy. They've had the occasional cold and stomach bug, but no recurring problems. No bronchitis, RSV, ear infections, strep throat, and so on. They're just healthy, happy kids. In 2007 when I was 28, I had a partial hysterectomy and of course that officially put an end to any possible baby making. I felt a twinge of sadness for the loss of my reproductive status but quickly moved on and have been happy to be period free ever since. I wanted to briefly touch on my experiences and decisions as a mother to let you know that I have some unconventional feelings and am aware of that fact. They don't make me any more or less a Mom. It's just me. And lack of acceptance for one another is where I believe we all get into trouble.
I know several people with multiple children. When I say multiple, I mean 4 or more. I'm one of few women that I know who has 2 or fewer children. Most of my friends have 4+. But the question of multiplication seems to cause a great stir for a lot of women. If a couple doesn't have any children, you'll often hear someone ask them "when" they plan to have some. If a couple has 3 children, you've probably heard someone ask them if they plan to "stop" having children. There's always a question... If a couple has a lot of children, they usually catch a lot flack for it. People can be pretty unkind and quite judgemental when it comes to the tender topic of baby making. I've been guilty of it myself. I've never intended to insult anyone's personal decisions, but I've let out more than one gasp upon hearing the news that "so and so" was pregnant AGAIN. (But that usually only applies to the welfare mothers who can't support the kids they have and for some reason think it's the tax payers responsibility. But that's another topic...) My sister openly admits that she doesn't want children. She acknowledges that she enjoys her life as it is and can do as she pleases, spend her money on herself and enjoy her nieces and nephews. Personally I think that sounds devine. I wouldn't want to trade places with her, knowing the joys of children the way I do. But I don't begrudge her a life of self fulfillment either. I hear women call one another "selfish" for having too many, or not having any children. It's a silly thing to say really. An argument can be made for both points-of-view. Obviously wanting to spend your life doing what makes you happy, indulging only yourself can sound extremely self absorbed. But then again, I don't find anything selfless in bringing children into the world to brighten your own life, knowing that like all living creatures, they'll pay their way with a death. And we don't even know how or when it will happen to them.
It makes no sense to argue over such matters. As long as I'm not required to pay for or raise anyone else's kids, it's not for me to say how many, when or IF they should even have children. If you feel like you have too many kids, knock it off and don't have any more. If you don't have enough, get busy making or buying some more. If you don't want any, fan-frickin-tastic! Enjoy your life & a world without gut grinding fear and panic. Congratulations to ALL of us with or without children. Thank God the choice is ours. Hallelujah we get to decide these days!! Because in the end, that's what it's all about. Choice. And a little celebration on behalf of that all too elusuvie fact, wouldn't hurt any of us. Go hug a woman who's pulling her beautiful hair out because all of her kids won't give her a moment's peace today. Lend her a hand and celebrate her crazy life. Go hug an awesome, childless aunt (whether it be yours or one you know) and tell her how great it is that she can be there for you and your kids. And just be totally jealous of me. Because I have the two cutest, coolest kids on the planet!! And I'm totally NOT biased either.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a37bBm8pXSk
I've been working on ideas for new posts and want to work out more mental details before I take on the daunting task of trying to organize my jumbled thoughts via print. So in the interem, I thought I'd share a video that I found on youtube of a choir in Canada singing one of my favorite gospel feel good songs. (just click on the link below the picture) It expresses all of the joy & simplicity that I'm feeling inspired by these days... And sometimes I think it's good to just feel praise and gratitude for our blessings. For friends when we most need them; for our kids when least appreciate them and most importantly, for forgiveness when we least deserve it...
If you're not up for "feel good" stuff and just wanted to read one of my snipey rants, I apologize. But stay tuned, one's a comin'!
I've been waiting on the right time to focus on another character in my life... And tonight seemed about as right as it would get. So I'm gonna tell you a bit about my very best friend, Jenny. Well, Jennifer to anyone unlucky enough not to know her. She's a New York yankee, Catholic and a Democrat. I know, right? It gave me the heeby jeebies just typing it out like that. She opposes the death penalty and is a staunch vegetarian - at heart. What I mean is, she'll cry over the poor sacrificial chicken as she munches on her crispy recipe bucket from KFC. She feels really bad about how much she enjoys eating meat.
Jenny is wicked smart and is an excellent student. She's at the top of her class with a 4.0 and is in her junior year at STC. She's in school to become a Radiologic Technologist. She can tell you anything and everything you never wanted to know about bones and how to preposition them - under, beside, beyond, by, above, below, etc... I don't know what she's talking about half the time these days, but I try to listen as though I can actually follow along.
Being her bffl as well, I'm privy to some little known information about Jennifer Eileen Nelson Conner. Such as: at one time or another it's safe to say that she has lost everything she has ever had in her hands; purse, keys, wallet, license, pen, lighter, paper, earring, frying pan, oven mit, remote, cat, kid... If she's touched it, she's lost it as well. I walked into a gas station one afternoon and the kind clerk remembered seeing Jenny and I in the store together several times and so she asked if I would return her wallet to her. She handed me Jennifer's pink, leather wallet, as she had left it on the counter after paying for her items and leaving the store the day before. Another little tidbit about my dear friend is that she would rather sink into a hole and be eaten by the floor than to suffer the awkwardness & discomfort of attending a class, function, party or gathering where there will be people she doesn't know. She's not socially awkward. She can talk to anyone and find some common interest. Jenny would just rather not... talk to you or find common interests if she doesn't have to. She's easily mortified and it's extremely lucky for her that she has a terrible long term memory, short term as well. I guess it's safe to say that she doesn't remember a whole lot. Which in many cases, has served her well. When Jenny is wounded, offended or upset... She'll forgive you quickly, but she'll forget all about it even sooner. I can't count the times I've managed to get her good and pissed off by reminding her of what someone said or did to her that she'd forgotten all about. And as quickly as she's reminded, she forgets again. In her studies though, she is diligent and commits to memory, all that is required of her. When she makes up her mind to do something, she more than follows through. She smashes through!!
We are sister cynics and enjoy deliberate conversations in which we purge from our souls, all of the things we could never say to anyone else. Like me, she was missing the "mom gene". But oddly enough she has four children and is very nurturing, although she often admits she has no idea what to do with her kids. She spends a lot of time in 'the parenthood' wondering how in the hell she got there. We blab and gab about everything. We are very different people. We have extremely different interests, taste in clothing, books, movies, sometimes music, hobbies, politics, religion... But we always find a way to agree, even when we don't. Jenny and I have a most unique dynamic. We are almost always on the same wave length, and when we're not we know it, and will adjust our radars and lives. We'll wiggle and squirm privately until we are back on track with one another. When one of us has moved into a new phase, or attacked a new interest, or even charted a new path, we pull the other along until they've caught up. We don't have to be doing the same thing, we just have to be moving in the same direction. We never seem to grow apart, if only because we refuse to. It is always unspoken of course... We wouldn't dare demand that sort of ridiculous allegiance to one another out loud.
My Jenny is a complex, beautiful, quirky woman-child who always, always moves forward. I've never known her to be set back, although she's had many setbacks. In all the years I've been lucky enough to call her my friend, she has been the most blazingly honest person, honest to others and always to herself, that I have ever known. She'll tell the truth because she's horrible at lying. And she'll be honest with herself because she's not afraid to grow and be better. Always refreshing, moving, growing, strong and forward. She is her name, Jennifer: A White Wave
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